00:00:25 - Closeup of Clive Owen eating a carrot. At a bus stop. Rock on.
00:01:20 - Some pregnant lady is about to - you guessed it, get shot up. I'll take this moment to say there will be a "gorgeous streetwalker" somewhere along the way.
00:02:11 - The pregnant lady is the one to shoot 'em up, and Clive Owen saves the day by shoving the carrot through the assailant's head with the line, "Eat your vegetables." You can't make this stuff up. Well I guess someone did.
00:03:18 - Clive Owen is delivering the baby - all the "push push" stuff - while shooting 'em up. The casings from the bullets are falling on the pregnant lady's belly. I misspoke earlier - I should have said you shouldn't make this stuff up.
00:04:55 - Baby delivered as Paul Giamatti makes his first appearance. Clive Owen subsequently shoots the umbilical cord up.
00:06:27 - Mom is dead, but hit man w/a heart takes the baby and makes a run for it. This is shaping up to be the over the top movie the box claimed.
00:07:37 - Clive Owen - "Fuck you you fucking fuckers" - line of the movie so far. And I still don't know what's going on.
00:08:11 - Ooh, plot elements. Let's see where this goes.
00:09:18 - Paul Giamatti just shot someone in the butt, followed by the guy screaming (predictably) ,"Oh, my ass!"
00:10:15 - Clive Owen just went into a dirty men's room. How dirty? It still has one of those never-ending cloth towels where you just wipe your hands on someone else's dirty towel spot. Gross. And he is eating another carrot.
00:11:00 - Use number two for the diaper changing table - cleaning out your gun after you dropped it in the toilet while you were eating your carrot. And the bathroom has a heated hand dryer in addition to the gross cloth. That's forward thinking. Clive Owen uses it to dry out his toilet gun. Ingenuity. Probably wouldn't have chosen to lay the baby underneath the urinal, but to each his own.
00:12:55 - Clive Owen, on the bus, just took his sock off to put it on the baby's head as a hat. Selfless, yet gross.
00:13:26 - Paul Giamatti - "Do you know why a gun is better than a wife? You can put a silencer on a gun." Shameful, sexist comment. I am dumber for hearing it.
00:14:45 - Clive Owen leaves the baby on a park's merry-go-round for someone to find, but Paul Giamatti gets there and tries to shoot it w/an assassin's rifle. Then - you'll never believe it - Clive Owen is able to shoot the merry-go-round such that it rotates to fast Paul Giamatti can't shoot the baby. This movie is nothing if not realistic. I know people who would stop right now and figure out the physics associated with such an act.
00:16:45 - Clive Owen has the creative name of "Smith." I knew this from the movie box, but I am acting surprised.
00:17:30 - First appearance of the gorgeous streetwalker. Eh. Owen describes himself as a "British nanny." Giamatti is riding around with the naked mom, whose shirt is still open from the short lived breast feeding. Gross out moment - Giamatti feels her up. That is dead wrong. Get it? That line was perfect for this movie.
00:19:25 - Giamatti - "Find me every wet nurse, lactating hooker, and mammary on tap in the city." How else would you find where a baby could eat? I wonder if he still can't stand "fucking Merlot." Thomas Hayden Church should be in this movie.
00:21:33 - Giamatti and Owen are pointing their guns at each other with the lactating streetwalker looking on.
00:22:36 - Giamatti and his men all have thumbprint readers on their guns as safety devices. Does that really exist? I think it is a good idea, much better than those little flip switches. Owen gets around it by cutting off a dude's hand.
00:23:44 - Owen - "What's the difference between a luxury car and a porcupine? With the car the prick is on the inside." I think I could just record the cheesy jokes/lines and be done with it.
00:24:37 - Owen hates guys who change lanes without signalling. Good man.
00:25:17 - I just placed Giamatti's accent in this movie. He used the same one as the cop in The Illusionist (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443543/). I think I would try to re-use characters if I was an actor.
00:26:41 - Owen tries to buy bullets with food stamps. Just like Mellencamp's incessant commercials say, "This is ouuuuuuuuur country!"
00:27:32 - Hooker giving head while the baby is in a cardboard box. But she's a hooker w/a heart - she was only doing it to afford to buy the baby a camouflage bullet proof vest. Who greenlit this picture anyway? I really hope these writers are not on strike right now so they can write the sequel - Shoot 'Em Upper Even More 2.
00:29:50 - Owen grows his own carrots. Of course - why wouldn't he?
00:30:30 - Giamatti, on going through the door first - "The leader who stays in the rear takes it in the rear."
00:31:25 - Side plot revealed - Giamatti is trying to get home to his 8 year old son's birthday party. Also, the baby is comforted by heavy metal on MTV but cries when a politician is on TV.
00:32:50 - More shooting 'em up. How do the heroes never get shot and always kill w/only one shot? Also why do attackers insist on going in one at a time so the attackee never has to face more than one gunman?
00:34:15 - The only time this is contradicted just happened - when gunmen are running at someone from either side. If this was a cartoon, they would have shot each other. Instead, Owen just flipped a stainless steel table over to deflect the bullets back.
00:36:51 - Owen thinks that the dead mother lived near a heavy metal club, explaining the baby's love for heavy metal. Makes the most sense of anything in this movie.
00:41:15 - Okay, "plot" points - there were 3 moms (all now dead) with 3 babies (2 dead) all conceived to generate donor blood and bone marrow for some mystery man. Someone didn't want him to get the transplant, so they tried to kill everyone. Also Owen killed someone else with a carrot.
00:44:36 - Orphan baby is laying in the bathtub and Owen is teaching him how to use a gun. Never too early. I think he is a member of the NRA. Let me check the credits for Charlton Heston.
00:46:07 - This baby never cries. From experience, a new born would never give anyone the time to strip, let alone have sex. Okay, right on cue, as the action started, the baby starts to cry - which leads to a scene with Owen and lactating hooker (LH) having sex while Owen kills a bunch of would-be hit men. Nothing like a mid-coitus killing spree.
00:48:45 - Owen has devised a plan. He wants LH and the baby to hide in a tank in a museum so they can be safe. This plan is crazy enough to work.
00:53:01 - I think Giamatti's accent is gone. Maybe he was filming both movies at the same time and forgot which one he was in.
00:56:20 - Owen, in a gun warehouse, has it all set up and acts as a puppeteer, pulling strings while watching monitors to shoot guys. My description doesn't do it justice - it is pretty cool.
00:57:27 - Back in the tank, Owen and LH are using newspapers as diapers. That would save me soooooo much money. If it works for wrapping paper, it would work for diapers.
00:58:30 - "Plot" point revealed - the father of the babies is a senator. Damn those bone marrow seeking anti-gun legislating senators. If they aren't the root of all evil, they have to be the root of 90% of evil.
01:00:37 - Owen's stolen BMW flips over but the baby falls out. So Owen purposely unbuckles and flies out of the car into an oncoming van, sticking the landing that would make a gymnast jealous. But Giamatti shows up and aims to run the baby over. I don't want to ruin any surprises here, but let's just say the baby is important to the movie and the movie isn't over yet.
01:03:35 - Owen, with one phone call, gets a meeting and a flight with the dirty senator. And why wouldn't he? If Barack Obama has time for anything, it's taking flights with crazy gun toting Brits.
01:06:10 - Turns out all the bad guys are in it together. Giamatti is on the plane, everyone is in on it, and Owen is forced to kill the senator and jump out of the plane and shoot some guys while falling through the air. Don't worry, he has a parachute - what do you take this for, some unrealistic romp through wonderland?
01:08:50 - Neat death - thrusting someone into the blades of a helicopter. Wouldn't the helicopter crash too though? Man, I KNEW I'd find a hole in the plot somewhere.
01:10:10 - Giamatti's boss has a stuffed dog, as in, stuffed by a taxidermist. Only slightly less disturbing than Giamatti breaking individual fingers on Owen's hand.
01:14:50 - Owen gets free but can't hold a gun, so he kills everyone but Giamatti with a scalpel. It's no carrot, but it works. Necessity, though, is the mother of invention. Owen sticks bullets between his fingers and holds his hand up to a fire, and before you know it, Giamatti has bitten the dust.
01:17:28 - Baby and LH are long gone and Owen is left to wander and track them down - which he does, somehow, at a Dairy Queen, where LH is a waitress and leaves the baby on a table while she works.
01:19:00 - It couldn't end with them making out, could it? Nope! Some dudes come in to rob the DQ, but Owen has something else in mind. Aren't his fingers broken, you ask? Yes, but you're forgetting one important, orange fact - he loves carrots. So he uses a carrot as a trigger finger, shoots a couple of dudes, and everyone lives happily, bloodily after. Well, except for the people who already died.
And that does it. Final thoughts? Well, it did make me want to eat more carrots - you never know when they might come in handy. Now that was cheesy and not even remotely realistic - kind of like this movie. (I actually do like carrots, but that fact doesn't support my line, so ignore it.) This movie did one thing well - shoot outs. So you have to give it that. There was a lot of cheese, plenty of gun fights, and some creative ways to get into said gun fights. I gasped at some of the gruesomeness and said "no way!" a couple of times. It is what it is - sensationalistic violence. And since I've recapped it here, no one else needs to watch it! 2.5/5
1 comment:
Excellent review. Not sure I want (or need) to see it after reading that. Though I am intrigued by this LH character.
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